Love letters and hate mail

*I realized tonight that I am almost done with the first semester of my second year in a doctoral program.  Friends who graduated told me this year would go fast, and man, they were right. 

*As I write my pedagogy paper (this is a fancy word for instructional theory) I know what i am talking about and, maybe more impressive, I believe it!  If you would have asked me a year ago what pedagogy was I would have looked at you blankly and distracted you with my witty humor, but now, I can freaking tell you!  Hot damn...I AM becoming an educator.

*I also realized, that when I loose weight, i like wearing tighter clothes.  I hope it doesn't make me look like a slut.

*I am getting on a plane in less than 500 hours and I am thrilled.

*Loss is weird.  If you look back on my last blog I write about a friend who od'ed on heroin earlier this month.  I realize I conceptualize loss in terms of those important to me who have died due to health issues.  ODing is really different than AIDS...and I am going to need some time to figure out how to deal with it.  This is also putting into reality how I have dealt with other losses (breakups, friendships, opportunities, etc.) and how maybe I viewed them all as I did the loss of a loved one to illness...and maybe that was a fucked up way to process things.  The idea that I have a f'ed up way of processing loss is actually pretty freeing, and may allow me to re-think loss.  Maybe my friendship with my friend wasn't so one-sided after all.  Thank you friend.  I will miss your crazy 3 am nonsensical phone calls, inappropriate (yet flattering) use of affectionate pet names, and ADHD distractability during our daily conversations.  Good luck wherever you are Junebug.  I hope you realize what you gave me too.   

*P90X kicks my ass.  I did 30 minutes of an hour and a half yoga video four days ago and I am still flippin sore!  How did I do the entirety of P90X for a month?  Man, I hate when we realize we are fit only after we are no longer fit! 

*My apartment is a mess.  That is what happens when I am in it awake more than 6 hours a day.  Shit.

*At the coffee house I sat across from a first date in progress...between two boys!  Wait, where do I live?  Dear life, thank you for the reminder that there is diversity everywhere.  

*I had my first Thanksgiving away from my family.  We skyped in, and I swear I talked more to my teenage cousins than I do when I am there!  I think the technology medium helped our communication.  That is sad, but it was awful fun.  I also think being able to see themselves on the computer screen helped keep them on.  I think maybe our society is becoming more narcissistic (I say this as a write a blog...oxymoronic isn't it).

*It drives me nuts when people add extra letters  to words...not in a dyslexic way, but it a byee, lovee youu, textt mee sort of way.  I blame it on the young.  I had a hard time understanding this until people I really love got old enough to do annoying stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I love them and their stupid shit, but I don't understand them...and that makes me feel old.

Ok, back to pedagogy.  7 pages down, about 100 to go (not really...but seems like it).     

whoa

So I was working on a training for a job interview I have on the 2nd and decided to check my facebook.  I had recently, within the last 2 months, gotten back in touch with an old friend.  We were talking often...more him calling me than me calling him, but he told me I provided a "stable" friend.  I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks, which was really weird.  I had started to step away somewhat, as I just didn't have the time to call and text multiple times a day.  I am working on that whole "reciprocal friendship" thing and I was worried if I didn't set some boundaries this would become one of those.  So tonight, I checked his facebook and realized he died of a heroin overdose early this month (insert punch in gut now).   Wholly shit.  We were going to see each other when I came home for christmas break. 

It is weird when you get news like that...Several people had posted on his facebook page.  I didn't...it was just too weird.  If his spirit is out there he knows, and I sure as hell don't need to post it on facebook.  I kinda wish I would have figured out by calling him...but that would be weird too.  Finding out on a social networking site leaves a sick feeling in my gut.  But then again I am writing it in a blog...I don't think he would be offended...i think he would probably be flattered.  I can hear him laughing about it in my head...then going off in 10,000 different directions about 100,000 different things...it would be a fleeting thought for him, as most things were.  If I die, I really don't want people to find out on the internet.  Although I can see him thinking it is pretty cool.  It is strange to me that I was such a peripheral in his life that no one knew to let me know. It is strange that I won't get text from him at 2 am that make no sense.  It is strange to me that he won't call and leave weird messages than end in him somehow making it seemed like I called him and he has to get off the phone quickly because he was busy.  Jesh.  Heroin.  I just looked up on line if o.d.ing from heroin is painful.  According to the guy who wrote about it on the web the o.d. is great, it's the reviving that is hell.  In some weird way this is comforting. 

I feel bad for his mother.  She did know that we were back in touch and I think she was glad he had a stable friend too.  This is difficult timing...not that any time is good.  Death really puts some things into perspective.  For his sake, I hope it was damn good heroin, and I hope it was a fun ride out. 

Royals

I am so stinkin' tired of talking about the british royalty.  According to a website, the queen gets paid about 59 million dollars (I converted it from an old figure) a year before money is taken out for taxes and such...and what does she do again?  Another website (I know, really reputable sources, but come on, it is just a blog) said the royal family more than makes back what they get in tourism, but I am pretty sure if they shut down the royal family they would still make money on tourist flocking the royal grounds.  I used to have conversations about this with an old boyfriend from college who was from N. Ireland, and the concept of paying figure heads always got under his skin.  I have a hard enough time caring what wedding dress people I care about choose (they will be beautiful no matter what they wear) so why the hell should I care about what Kate Middelton is wearing?  We have too much freakin time on our hands american public.  Let's try caring about something that matters...

Popcorn

Dear Harry Potter movie and 800 cups of movie butter popcorn, you do not fit well into my "get work done and eat healthy" lifestyle of the last month...but damn, you do make me smile. 

Incest, religion, and the will of humanity

While at lunch today with a friend (who is more of a fan of documentaries and NPR than I am) a thought came into my mind....what is wrong with marrying someone in your own family?  I know it might sound weird, we are socialized to think this is gross.  But as my anthropological friend pointed out, many places outside of the US (and our ethnocentricity) see this kind of marriage as acceptable.  If you look back at history, it was ramped, specifically when there was some kind of royalty involved.  My friend said it was based on keeping family wealth in one place.  But really, what is wrong with it?  Ok, I get the argument that genetically it can create weakness in terms of strengthening mutation within our genetic code by heightening the likelihood of disease...we choose to do this a lot,  like lay in beds of radiation and smoke cancer sticks.  I have a pretty jacked up body already, and I don't do much to help it (and I am pretty darn sure my folks weren't incestuous).   

I am really interested in this concept...not because I want to date someone in my family, but because school has made me think a lot about how we construct our reality, and it seems this cultural rule is just that, a standard we have created.  Now, I do think the idea of mutuality in relationships is important.  Any relationship should be mutual decided upon with reciprocal love. I am not promoting relationships that could have a power differential, this constitutes abuse, and is deplorable.  I am not really  promoting any view, I am just wondering how we go about making social decisions?

In some ways, it reminds me of how people pick and choose what to pay attention to in religion.  We are going to hate homosexuals and take away peoples choice about what they do with their bodies, but it is ok to get 3 divorces, not take care of our elderly or homeless, and go to McDonald's and stuff our faces.  Wait...isn't our body supposed to be a temple?  Aren't we supposed to care about our fellow man?  You can be a virgin until your hearts content, but if you put a bunch of poison in your body (both physically and mentally), I don't really see how this is any better, but again, this is just me, and I am opinionated.  Or maybe I am not, because I really don't care if you are divorced, or eat at McDonald's, or go do heroin, or marry your sister.  You are still a human, and, as a humanist, I think you still have some good qualities and are worthwhile...and I would never say you are going to burn in hell...because you know what, I don't know, and I am pretty sure you don't either.  Whew...sorry about the rant.

So I guess the larger question I have is, what makes our society the way it is?  I tend to think it is all socially made up.  We choose it, so we can change it.  I am getting away from marrying your sister, and into social responsibility here.  :-)  I think we have the opportunity to be good beings, the kicker is, I think that is different for each of us...which also makes the concept pretty amazing and eclectically opportunistic.

Ok, i have to get back to work...i do wonder what others think about the whole marring your brother thing and what sort of judgments or meanings others make of it.  I realize the view I am taking right now may ruffle feathers.  Maybe someone has support one way or another that will shed more light...light shedding is cool, and one of my favorite things in others.    

College Friends

It is weird to look on facebook and see friends from college who are all still friends...going to undergraduate homecoming games, being in each others weddings.  I keep in touch which approximately two people from college on a weekly basis and about five people total are in my life on a tri monthly basis.  Sometimes,  I feel a little jealous that I don't have those relationships, but then I look at my friends, and how they are literally all over the US, and feel very very lucky.  I guess if I would have stayed in the town I went to undergrad in, and if I wouldn't have gone on for a ridiculous amount of school after that, I would have probably stayed tight with more people.  Change is just strange...but I guess that is due to the relationship it has with time.   

TV show life

Sometime I feel like my life is a tv show.  Well, maybe it isn't my life, but the life of those around me.  I can be the semi-boring, elegant goofball (as a friend calls me) indy chick who wears teal shoes and socks with mustaches and is "cute." Sometimes I hate when people call me cute.  I feel like it would fit if I was 12, but I am almost 30, and it never really seems like a complement when people say it.  Maybe it is because i do wear teal shoes and socks with mustaches on them.  Hum.  Something to think about.  I will stick with cute if not sticking with it means I have to cut out the funny socks. 

I just watched an episode of Parenthood and it just seems like my life could fit into that kind of sitcom really easily.  I wonder what the soundtrack would be?  Hopefully something bomb ass cool.  It would be a dramady of sorts I think.  I can just see it now, Kate and I driving in my car, listening to Great Lake Swimmers and making fun of the commercial with the pig with the pinwheel going wee wee wee all the way home.  We make vague reference to past relationships in our lives and the frustration we feel about being successful, fun, smart women who, none-the-less, are single.  We switch to what our weekends will hold.  It includes the everyday mundane things like laundry, work, and wine.  We listen to the end of a Brett Dennen song and wait for the next one to come on...Kate looks at me as we drive and says, "weeeeeeee," and we both laugh.  It is the potential plotline for a pretentious indy movie/show.  Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I want a little more.   

Camp Erin

So I found this camp, and i am pretty sure this is something I want to do...maybe with my life.  It makes me rethink my dissertation.  http://lifesdoors.com/camperin.html
There is also this one, which I like a little better, but there aren't any close by.  There is a Camp Erin in Idaho.   http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/about-us

I am realizing that childhood loss is a lot bigger than us.  I have been so lucky, yet I am pretty sure it effects every relationship I have...in some ways probably good, and in some ways not so good.  Just thought I would share.   

Sloppy Seconds

What is happening to the women in the world where friendships become sloppy seconds to "romantic" (I use the word loosely) relationships?  I know I have been guilty of it, and in the past I have been, in what seemed at the time, tragically a victim.  Sometimes it happens, but it seems we have an epidemic on our hands.  I am speaking hypothetically at the moment (honest), but why the hell should my/our friendship be misused and neglected in exchange for a good fuck or some dude (or chick) that treats you like crap (or doesn't really treat you like anything)?  Bullshit. 

The kicker is, if you read this, most people could think this is about them (I know I would be a little worried), and this is sad.  This theme comes out in conversations with people I love, in songs, on tv, in the movies, in counseling sessions, ect, ect, etc.  What has happened to our sense of self worth, personal dignity, and loyalty to those we truly do love (and that love us) that allows us to be such insecure, insensitive, and neurotic souls?  

It often seems we always want more in life.  I am guilty of this.  I have a lot of friends, I am getting a bad ass degree, I have free counseling services AND a free gym membership, and, at the current moment, I am healthy.  I have amazing mentors and a pretty rad family.  But sometimes a girl just wants someone to snuggle, open doors for her, and make dinner.  That said, I hope the Amanda I know now wouldn't ditch friends for someone who treats her like less than.  I also hope I have enough self esteem to not be a booty call (unless I want to be...even when sober), call people who quite obviously don't want to be called/texted, or allow someone to make me feel like shit for the sake of simply warding off loneliness.  I know, these may seem difficult things to ask of a single person...how f'ed up is that? 

And then as friends, we put up with this crap!  I can only take being put on the back burner and stepped on so many times before I start to get what our friendship is about.  I don't think people mean to do this, I know in the past I haven't, but yet it happens, and that is craptastic.  Again, what has happened to us and our sense of self worth (and other worth)? 

I view the world as wholly relational; meaning our relationships make up our world, our personhood, and our being.  I get where the need for having an "other" would make people a little neurotic.  I am as guilty as the next person of facebook stalking, pining for old relationships, staying in relationships too long, doing stupid things to escape loneliness (temperarilly), and being irrational about past loves/flings/crushes/obsessions, etc. moving on with thier lives.  However, risking the quality relationships we have for the sake of people that can't even commit to call back or treat us like a human being is asinine.

Thank goodness for those people who have friendship figured out, and heaven help those who continue to f it up.  Good luck with that.   

a wee rant

It bugs me that McDonald's has commercials with skinny people riding their bikes up fairly nice sized hills to get to McDonald's for breakfast.  I am pretty sure the girl in the eats Micky-D's once a year, if that. 

Also, how in the heck did we elect George Bush as our president for 8 years?  How does that shit come about?  I am still amazed and in horror about how that happened.  I wonder where we would be if John Kerry or Al Gore (who, I don't know if you remember, but actually did win) would have been our president.  I think things would still be pretty messed up, but not as bad.  I think about this argument, and realize that some of my best friends would disagree, but I also think we perceive "good" government as very different. 

Another thing, I don't get why right wingers want abortion and gay marriage to be illegal.  Last time I checked, most people on the far right say they want SMALLER big government.  So how do these two things mesh?  Smaller big government would mean less restriction on our rights, which means less laws on individuals, which means a) I can do whatever the heck I choose to do with my body and b) I can marry whoever I want.  As many problems as those on the right have with those on the left, this issue always perplexes me.  Especially when people VOTE pretty much strictly on those two issues. Ahh...the separation of church and state.  When the population of muslims (or jews, or wiccans, or atheists, or agnostics, etc) outnumbers the number of christians, church and state will be an interesting concept.  Enough of my rants...I have to get to work.  Hearing tests (being a test dummy for a friend) and dinner with friends.  Funness.

Ambivalent Friendships, WTF?

There is something about moving to a new place that is both scary and exhilarating as hell.  At times, I am pretty home sick...however, then there are the people that come into your life and you are amazed at how easily friendship happens.  Last year, when I moved, I had an instant, lifelong friend that just seemed to be waiting for me here.  How amazing.  This year, I had a lot of fear about what I was going to do since that friend had moved about as far away as possible.  But then, bam, there appeared my new friends.  It is pretty wonderful--although it is difficult to compare to friend soulmates.  It takes a little effort, you have to put yourself out there, but then, it is easy.  I often think people are so frightened by rejection they don't take chances.  As I write that, I realize I am a pretty big baby sometimes (in terms of a fear of rejection), but other times, it is easy.   What is it about rejection that we are so afraid of?

I have been thinking on how thankful I am for the people in my life right now.  It is possible this move could have made my life miserable, but once again, people and the relationships I have with them, have saved me.  The friends at home who call and text and send wonderful care packages and the friends here who check in, stay tuned, and show up.  I have been contemplating lately with the concept of being disliked...or maybe not even disliked, but others feeling ambivalent about our relationship.

In one of my last blogs I talked about the idea of reciprocal friendship...this is in part, what I was getting at.  I do have relationships that are not reciprocal, but I think I have enough that are reciprocal that make the few that are not, ok.  Yes, sometimes i am a caretaker, and i kinda like it.  It is the ones that are ambivalent (can I even call them relationships?) that I have issues with, and am working on cutting.  Maybe ambivalent relationships are not even relationships.  Duh Amanda.  I guess my current effort is to not work on relationships where others are ambivalent.  I realize that with ambivalent "relationships" I am the only one in them!  Why do we do this?  I think people do it in dating or with crushes all the time.  PEOPLE, we are too wonderful and have WAY too much to offer to spend our energy on people who are not interested in our personhood.  I am going to make this my mantra...I have been working on it.  Are you?

Anyhow, the point is, I am lucky.  I am lucky to have the friends that are far far away, because they are wonderful people.  I am lucky to have the friends close, and in many ways amazed at how we can get in where we fit in no matter where we are.  Sometimes it takes some time, but it happens if you let it.  Thanks buddies.

Halloween

This weekend was super fun for the most part.  I had a good time with friends on Halloween.  We had a department party then my friends had a party at there house then we went to another friend's bar.   I forget how much fun it is to dance!  In the process I also lost a devil horn.  It was found the next night though. 

I worked most of saturday on our qualitative research project. I am really excited about it.  We are doing it on the use of music as a means of cohesion with the new masters students.  We are finding themes and I am realizing that I am definitely a qualitative researcher (as opposed to a quantitative one). 

 I rode my scooter today for the first time!  Thanks to another friend and his mad teaching skills, I can now turn corners!  Considering I had never been on any kind of motorized thing with two wheels, I am pretty proud.  It is NOT like a car or a bicycle.  I am excited about driving it next year.  Tonight is cooking food for the week and doing laundry...and reviewing educational dvd's for the class i am teaching this summer.  It is Human Sexuality, and they are basically educational sex tapes.  They are actually pretty interesting and educational.  Mom-"Hi Amanda, what are you up to?"   Me-"Oh, not much, watching a video for class."  Mom-"Oh, interesting, what is it on?"  A wee bit awkward. 

There is yet another halloween party at the previously mentioned bar that apparently is the third of the week and the most risque.  I have to pass, although I am sure pictures will be on facebook.  Living vicariously, which is basically what I do here. 

I am trying not to post info about where I am in the US or use names, but it is really hard to be a story teller without details!

Aren't tuesdays supposed to be my light day?

Today was stressful.  I spent 3 hours trying to watch a video that I am not even going to use to teach.  Such is the life of a teacher I guess.  But then, i get home to a package on my doorstep (since when does the university deliver packages to our door instead of making us go down to the mail room...i'm not complaining, just saying).  My day is instantly brighter.  It is a care package from a friend with cheese from her family dairy farm and homemade tomato jam.  Oh friend, thank you.  www.marcootjerseycreamery.com.  I am hoping tomorrow is better.  Crying, getting wonderful cheeses and nice cards, realizing I am not alone in my sadness here (thanks for the reminder CM), and talking to my best friend make me realize things are ok, and constantly changing.  Qualitative research, while not generalizable, makes me feel really connected on a human level (even if it does mean coding until 1 am).  I also have a bad ass scooter parked outside that is mine.   

Idaho

It has been a while since I posted, and I should be grading papers, reading, and really doing anything but being on this dang machine.

So here is an update to catch you up: I like Idaho. I miss home. I have a lot of homework. I will be a doctor in a year and a half (roughly) if I don't fuck this up. This makes me both excited and scared as hell. I curse a lot, if you don't like it, don't read my blog (I also apologize for the profanity, but it is, at this point in my life, one way I express myself.). I am a qualitative researcher. I process externally, if you can't handle it, maybe we shouldn't hang out. I miss my best friends. That said, I am making friends, and that is cool. I would like to make out with someone that gives me butterflies in my belly (don't we all, really?). I thought maybe I could get away with making out with no butterflies, but i have realized, i was wrong. Damn. I want to go see a good live show. I am pretty sure I am going through live music withdrawal. I bought a scooter. A friend and I are going to have a scooter gang of two. I have my plane tickets home. Before coming to Carbondale I am going to see a show (to deal with the withdrawal or maybe feed the addiction) in StL with my bf. It may be the best time ever. Please remind me to buy a take home container of bloody mary mix to bring back to Idaho with me. A friend made homemade bacon vodka that would be PERFECT as a cellar bloody mary (thank you erin). I have started eating meat on occasion again...but I am making a big effort to only buy meat that is a) local, and b) treated humanly. Idaho is helping me to become the person I want to be. It is funny how lose and change can be so hard but also really good for you. I am realizing out here that I have been an adult for a long time, and that doesn't mean I can't laugh really loud and often; wear clothes that don't always match; be political but not in-your-face about it; stand up for myself; ask for reciprocal relationships (and not bother with ones that are not); and make really big silly mistakes and own up to them. I pretty much love being this kind of adult.

I am going to try and be better about posting here. I know people have asked about how I am doing, and this is a great way to keep people in the know. I will be home in eight weeks minus one day. I have to study for comps when I am home (the biggest test I will ever take in my whole life), but I also plan on having an amazing time. Plan accordingly.