There is something about moving to a new place that is both scary and exhilarating as hell. At times, I am pretty home sick...however, then there are the people that come into your life and you are amazed at how easily friendship happens. Last year, when I moved, I had an instant, lifelong friend that just seemed to be waiting for me here. How amazing. This year, I had a lot of fear about what I was going to do since that friend had moved about as far away as possible. But then, bam, there appeared my new friends. It is pretty wonderful--although it is difficult to compare to friend soulmates. It takes a little effort, you have to put yourself out there, but then, it is easy. I often think people are so frightened by rejection they don't take chances. As I write that, I realize I am a pretty big baby sometimes (in terms of a fear of rejection), but other times, it is easy. What is it about rejection that we are so afraid of?
I have been thinking on how thankful I am for the people in my life right now. It is possible this move could have made my life miserable, but once again, people and the relationships I have with them, have saved me. The friends at home who call and text and send wonderful care packages and the friends here who check in, stay tuned, and show up. I have been contemplating lately with the concept of being disliked...or maybe not even disliked, but others feeling ambivalent about our relationship.
In one of my last blogs I talked about the idea of reciprocal friendship...this is in part, what I was getting at. I do have relationships that are not reciprocal, but I think I have enough that are reciprocal that make the few that are not, ok. Yes, sometimes i am a caretaker, and i kinda like it. It is the ones that are ambivalent (can I even call them relationships?) that I have issues with, and am working on cutting. Maybe ambivalent relationships are not even relationships. Duh Amanda. I guess my current effort is to not work on relationships where others are ambivalent. I realize that with ambivalent "relationships" I am the only one in them! Why do we do this? I think people do it in dating or with crushes all the time. PEOPLE, we are too wonderful and have WAY too much to offer to spend our energy on people who are not interested in our personhood. I am going to make this my mantra...I have been working on it. Are you?
Anyhow, the point is, I am lucky. I am lucky to have the friends that are far far away, because they are wonderful people. I am lucky to have the friends close, and in many ways amazed at how we can get in where we fit in no matter where we are. Sometimes it takes some time, but it happens if you let it. Thanks buddies.
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