Incest, religion, and the will of humanity

While at lunch today with a friend (who is more of a fan of documentaries and NPR than I am) a thought came into my mind....what is wrong with marrying someone in your own family?  I know it might sound weird, we are socialized to think this is gross.  But as my anthropological friend pointed out, many places outside of the US (and our ethnocentricity) see this kind of marriage as acceptable.  If you look back at history, it was ramped, specifically when there was some kind of royalty involved.  My friend said it was based on keeping family wealth in one place.  But really, what is wrong with it?  Ok, I get the argument that genetically it can create weakness in terms of strengthening mutation within our genetic code by heightening the likelihood of disease...we choose to do this a lot,  like lay in beds of radiation and smoke cancer sticks.  I have a pretty jacked up body already, and I don't do much to help it (and I am pretty darn sure my folks weren't incestuous).   

I am really interested in this concept...not because I want to date someone in my family, but because school has made me think a lot about how we construct our reality, and it seems this cultural rule is just that, a standard we have created.  Now, I do think the idea of mutuality in relationships is important.  Any relationship should be mutual decided upon with reciprocal love. I am not promoting relationships that could have a power differential, this constitutes abuse, and is deplorable.  I am not really  promoting any view, I am just wondering how we go about making social decisions?

In some ways, it reminds me of how people pick and choose what to pay attention to in religion.  We are going to hate homosexuals and take away peoples choice about what they do with their bodies, but it is ok to get 3 divorces, not take care of our elderly or homeless, and go to McDonald's and stuff our faces.  Wait...isn't our body supposed to be a temple?  Aren't we supposed to care about our fellow man?  You can be a virgin until your hearts content, but if you put a bunch of poison in your body (both physically and mentally), I don't really see how this is any better, but again, this is just me, and I am opinionated.  Or maybe I am not, because I really don't care if you are divorced, or eat at McDonald's, or go do heroin, or marry your sister.  You are still a human, and, as a humanist, I think you still have some good qualities and are worthwhile...and I would never say you are going to burn in hell...because you know what, I don't know, and I am pretty sure you don't either.  Whew...sorry about the rant.

So I guess the larger question I have is, what makes our society the way it is?  I tend to think it is all socially made up.  We choose it, so we can change it.  I am getting away from marrying your sister, and into social responsibility here.  :-)  I think we have the opportunity to be good beings, the kicker is, I think that is different for each of us...which also makes the concept pretty amazing and eclectically opportunistic.

Ok, i have to get back to work...i do wonder what others think about the whole marring your brother thing and what sort of judgments or meanings others make of it.  I realize the view I am taking right now may ruffle feathers.  Maybe someone has support one way or another that will shed more light...light shedding is cool, and one of my favorite things in others.    

College Friends

It is weird to look on facebook and see friends from college who are all still friends...going to undergraduate homecoming games, being in each others weddings.  I keep in touch which approximately two people from college on a weekly basis and about five people total are in my life on a tri monthly basis.  Sometimes,  I feel a little jealous that I don't have those relationships, but then I look at my friends, and how they are literally all over the US, and feel very very lucky.  I guess if I would have stayed in the town I went to undergrad in, and if I wouldn't have gone on for a ridiculous amount of school after that, I would have probably stayed tight with more people.  Change is just strange...but I guess that is due to the relationship it has with time.   

TV show life

Sometime I feel like my life is a tv show.  Well, maybe it isn't my life, but the life of those around me.  I can be the semi-boring, elegant goofball (as a friend calls me) indy chick who wears teal shoes and socks with mustaches and is "cute." Sometimes I hate when people call me cute.  I feel like it would fit if I was 12, but I am almost 30, and it never really seems like a complement when people say it.  Maybe it is because i do wear teal shoes and socks with mustaches on them.  Hum.  Something to think about.  I will stick with cute if not sticking with it means I have to cut out the funny socks. 

I just watched an episode of Parenthood and it just seems like my life could fit into that kind of sitcom really easily.  I wonder what the soundtrack would be?  Hopefully something bomb ass cool.  It would be a dramady of sorts I think.  I can just see it now, Kate and I driving in my car, listening to Great Lake Swimmers and making fun of the commercial with the pig with the pinwheel going wee wee wee all the way home.  We make vague reference to past relationships in our lives and the frustration we feel about being successful, fun, smart women who, none-the-less, are single.  We switch to what our weekends will hold.  It includes the everyday mundane things like laundry, work, and wine.  We listen to the end of a Brett Dennen song and wait for the next one to come on...Kate looks at me as we drive and says, "weeeeeeee," and we both laugh.  It is the potential plotline for a pretentious indy movie/show.  Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I want a little more.   

Camp Erin

So I found this camp, and i am pretty sure this is something I want to do...maybe with my life.  It makes me rethink my dissertation.  http://lifesdoors.com/camperin.html
There is also this one, which I like a little better, but there aren't any close by.  There is a Camp Erin in Idaho.   http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/about-us

I am realizing that childhood loss is a lot bigger than us.  I have been so lucky, yet I am pretty sure it effects every relationship I have...in some ways probably good, and in some ways not so good.  Just thought I would share.   

Sloppy Seconds

What is happening to the women in the world where friendships become sloppy seconds to "romantic" (I use the word loosely) relationships?  I know I have been guilty of it, and in the past I have been, in what seemed at the time, tragically a victim.  Sometimes it happens, but it seems we have an epidemic on our hands.  I am speaking hypothetically at the moment (honest), but why the hell should my/our friendship be misused and neglected in exchange for a good fuck or some dude (or chick) that treats you like crap (or doesn't really treat you like anything)?  Bullshit. 

The kicker is, if you read this, most people could think this is about them (I know I would be a little worried), and this is sad.  This theme comes out in conversations with people I love, in songs, on tv, in the movies, in counseling sessions, ect, ect, etc.  What has happened to our sense of self worth, personal dignity, and loyalty to those we truly do love (and that love us) that allows us to be such insecure, insensitive, and neurotic souls?  

It often seems we always want more in life.  I am guilty of this.  I have a lot of friends, I am getting a bad ass degree, I have free counseling services AND a free gym membership, and, at the current moment, I am healthy.  I have amazing mentors and a pretty rad family.  But sometimes a girl just wants someone to snuggle, open doors for her, and make dinner.  That said, I hope the Amanda I know now wouldn't ditch friends for someone who treats her like less than.  I also hope I have enough self esteem to not be a booty call (unless I want to be...even when sober), call people who quite obviously don't want to be called/texted, or allow someone to make me feel like shit for the sake of simply warding off loneliness.  I know, these may seem difficult things to ask of a single person...how f'ed up is that? 

And then as friends, we put up with this crap!  I can only take being put on the back burner and stepped on so many times before I start to get what our friendship is about.  I don't think people mean to do this, I know in the past I haven't, but yet it happens, and that is craptastic.  Again, what has happened to us and our sense of self worth (and other worth)? 

I view the world as wholly relational; meaning our relationships make up our world, our personhood, and our being.  I get where the need for having an "other" would make people a little neurotic.  I am as guilty as the next person of facebook stalking, pining for old relationships, staying in relationships too long, doing stupid things to escape loneliness (temperarilly), and being irrational about past loves/flings/crushes/obsessions, etc. moving on with thier lives.  However, risking the quality relationships we have for the sake of people that can't even commit to call back or treat us like a human being is asinine.

Thank goodness for those people who have friendship figured out, and heaven help those who continue to f it up.  Good luck with that.   

a wee rant

It bugs me that McDonald's has commercials with skinny people riding their bikes up fairly nice sized hills to get to McDonald's for breakfast.  I am pretty sure the girl in the eats Micky-D's once a year, if that. 

Also, how in the heck did we elect George Bush as our president for 8 years?  How does that shit come about?  I am still amazed and in horror about how that happened.  I wonder where we would be if John Kerry or Al Gore (who, I don't know if you remember, but actually did win) would have been our president.  I think things would still be pretty messed up, but not as bad.  I think about this argument, and realize that some of my best friends would disagree, but I also think we perceive "good" government as very different. 

Another thing, I don't get why right wingers want abortion and gay marriage to be illegal.  Last time I checked, most people on the far right say they want SMALLER big government.  So how do these two things mesh?  Smaller big government would mean less restriction on our rights, which means less laws on individuals, which means a) I can do whatever the heck I choose to do with my body and b) I can marry whoever I want.  As many problems as those on the right have with those on the left, this issue always perplexes me.  Especially when people VOTE pretty much strictly on those two issues. Ahh...the separation of church and state.  When the population of muslims (or jews, or wiccans, or atheists, or agnostics, etc) outnumbers the number of christians, church and state will be an interesting concept.  Enough of my rants...I have to get to work.  Hearing tests (being a test dummy for a friend) and dinner with friends.  Funness.

Ambivalent Friendships, WTF?

There is something about moving to a new place that is both scary and exhilarating as hell.  At times, I am pretty home sick...however, then there are the people that come into your life and you are amazed at how easily friendship happens.  Last year, when I moved, I had an instant, lifelong friend that just seemed to be waiting for me here.  How amazing.  This year, I had a lot of fear about what I was going to do since that friend had moved about as far away as possible.  But then, bam, there appeared my new friends.  It is pretty wonderful--although it is difficult to compare to friend soulmates.  It takes a little effort, you have to put yourself out there, but then, it is easy.  I often think people are so frightened by rejection they don't take chances.  As I write that, I realize I am a pretty big baby sometimes (in terms of a fear of rejection), but other times, it is easy.   What is it about rejection that we are so afraid of?

I have been thinking on how thankful I am for the people in my life right now.  It is possible this move could have made my life miserable, but once again, people and the relationships I have with them, have saved me.  The friends at home who call and text and send wonderful care packages and the friends here who check in, stay tuned, and show up.  I have been contemplating lately with the concept of being disliked...or maybe not even disliked, but others feeling ambivalent about our relationship.

In one of my last blogs I talked about the idea of reciprocal friendship...this is in part, what I was getting at.  I do have relationships that are not reciprocal, but I think I have enough that are reciprocal that make the few that are not, ok.  Yes, sometimes i am a caretaker, and i kinda like it.  It is the ones that are ambivalent (can I even call them relationships?) that I have issues with, and am working on cutting.  Maybe ambivalent relationships are not even relationships.  Duh Amanda.  I guess my current effort is to not work on relationships where others are ambivalent.  I realize that with ambivalent "relationships" I am the only one in them!  Why do we do this?  I think people do it in dating or with crushes all the time.  PEOPLE, we are too wonderful and have WAY too much to offer to spend our energy on people who are not interested in our personhood.  I am going to make this my mantra...I have been working on it.  Are you?

Anyhow, the point is, I am lucky.  I am lucky to have the friends that are far far away, because they are wonderful people.  I am lucky to have the friends close, and in many ways amazed at how we can get in where we fit in no matter where we are.  Sometimes it takes some time, but it happens if you let it.  Thanks buddies.