Camp Erin

So I found this camp, and i am pretty sure this is something I want to do...maybe with my life.  It makes me rethink my dissertation.  http://lifesdoors.com/camperin.html
There is also this one, which I like a little better, but there aren't any close by.  There is a Camp Erin in Idaho.   http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/about-us

I am realizing that childhood loss is a lot bigger than us.  I have been so lucky, yet I am pretty sure it effects every relationship I have...in some ways probably good, and in some ways not so good.  Just thought I would share.   

Sloppy Seconds

What is happening to the women in the world where friendships become sloppy seconds to "romantic" (I use the word loosely) relationships?  I know I have been guilty of it, and in the past I have been, in what seemed at the time, tragically a victim.  Sometimes it happens, but it seems we have an epidemic on our hands.  I am speaking hypothetically at the moment (honest), but why the hell should my/our friendship be misused and neglected in exchange for a good fuck or some dude (or chick) that treats you like crap (or doesn't really treat you like anything)?  Bullshit. 

The kicker is, if you read this, most people could think this is about them (I know I would be a little worried), and this is sad.  This theme comes out in conversations with people I love, in songs, on tv, in the movies, in counseling sessions, ect, ect, etc.  What has happened to our sense of self worth, personal dignity, and loyalty to those we truly do love (and that love us) that allows us to be such insecure, insensitive, and neurotic souls?  

It often seems we always want more in life.  I am guilty of this.  I have a lot of friends, I am getting a bad ass degree, I have free counseling services AND a free gym membership, and, at the current moment, I am healthy.  I have amazing mentors and a pretty rad family.  But sometimes a girl just wants someone to snuggle, open doors for her, and make dinner.  That said, I hope the Amanda I know now wouldn't ditch friends for someone who treats her like less than.  I also hope I have enough self esteem to not be a booty call (unless I want to be...even when sober), call people who quite obviously don't want to be called/texted, or allow someone to make me feel like shit for the sake of simply warding off loneliness.  I know, these may seem difficult things to ask of a single person...how f'ed up is that? 

And then as friends, we put up with this crap!  I can only take being put on the back burner and stepped on so many times before I start to get what our friendship is about.  I don't think people mean to do this, I know in the past I haven't, but yet it happens, and that is craptastic.  Again, what has happened to us and our sense of self worth (and other worth)? 

I view the world as wholly relational; meaning our relationships make up our world, our personhood, and our being.  I get where the need for having an "other" would make people a little neurotic.  I am as guilty as the next person of facebook stalking, pining for old relationships, staying in relationships too long, doing stupid things to escape loneliness (temperarilly), and being irrational about past loves/flings/crushes/obsessions, etc. moving on with thier lives.  However, risking the quality relationships we have for the sake of people that can't even commit to call back or treat us like a human being is asinine.

Thank goodness for those people who have friendship figured out, and heaven help those who continue to f it up.  Good luck with that.   

a wee rant

It bugs me that McDonald's has commercials with skinny people riding their bikes up fairly nice sized hills to get to McDonald's for breakfast.  I am pretty sure the girl in the eats Micky-D's once a year, if that. 

Also, how in the heck did we elect George Bush as our president for 8 years?  How does that shit come about?  I am still amazed and in horror about how that happened.  I wonder where we would be if John Kerry or Al Gore (who, I don't know if you remember, but actually did win) would have been our president.  I think things would still be pretty messed up, but not as bad.  I think about this argument, and realize that some of my best friends would disagree, but I also think we perceive "good" government as very different. 

Another thing, I don't get why right wingers want abortion and gay marriage to be illegal.  Last time I checked, most people on the far right say they want SMALLER big government.  So how do these two things mesh?  Smaller big government would mean less restriction on our rights, which means less laws on individuals, which means a) I can do whatever the heck I choose to do with my body and b) I can marry whoever I want.  As many problems as those on the right have with those on the left, this issue always perplexes me.  Especially when people VOTE pretty much strictly on those two issues. Ahh...the separation of church and state.  When the population of muslims (or jews, or wiccans, or atheists, or agnostics, etc) outnumbers the number of christians, church and state will be an interesting concept.  Enough of my rants...I have to get to work.  Hearing tests (being a test dummy for a friend) and dinner with friends.  Funness.

Ambivalent Friendships, WTF?

There is something about moving to a new place that is both scary and exhilarating as hell.  At times, I am pretty home sick...however, then there are the people that come into your life and you are amazed at how easily friendship happens.  Last year, when I moved, I had an instant, lifelong friend that just seemed to be waiting for me here.  How amazing.  This year, I had a lot of fear about what I was going to do since that friend had moved about as far away as possible.  But then, bam, there appeared my new friends.  It is pretty wonderful--although it is difficult to compare to friend soulmates.  It takes a little effort, you have to put yourself out there, but then, it is easy.  I often think people are so frightened by rejection they don't take chances.  As I write that, I realize I am a pretty big baby sometimes (in terms of a fear of rejection), but other times, it is easy.   What is it about rejection that we are so afraid of?

I have been thinking on how thankful I am for the people in my life right now.  It is possible this move could have made my life miserable, but once again, people and the relationships I have with them, have saved me.  The friends at home who call and text and send wonderful care packages and the friends here who check in, stay tuned, and show up.  I have been contemplating lately with the concept of being disliked...or maybe not even disliked, but others feeling ambivalent about our relationship.

In one of my last blogs I talked about the idea of reciprocal friendship...this is in part, what I was getting at.  I do have relationships that are not reciprocal, but I think I have enough that are reciprocal that make the few that are not, ok.  Yes, sometimes i am a caretaker, and i kinda like it.  It is the ones that are ambivalent (can I even call them relationships?) that I have issues with, and am working on cutting.  Maybe ambivalent relationships are not even relationships.  Duh Amanda.  I guess my current effort is to not work on relationships where others are ambivalent.  I realize that with ambivalent "relationships" I am the only one in them!  Why do we do this?  I think people do it in dating or with crushes all the time.  PEOPLE, we are too wonderful and have WAY too much to offer to spend our energy on people who are not interested in our personhood.  I am going to make this my mantra...I have been working on it.  Are you?

Anyhow, the point is, I am lucky.  I am lucky to have the friends that are far far away, because they are wonderful people.  I am lucky to have the friends close, and in many ways amazed at how we can get in where we fit in no matter where we are.  Sometimes it takes some time, but it happens if you let it.  Thanks buddies.

Halloween

This weekend was super fun for the most part.  I had a good time with friends on Halloween.  We had a department party then my friends had a party at there house then we went to another friend's bar.   I forget how much fun it is to dance!  In the process I also lost a devil horn.  It was found the next night though. 

I worked most of saturday on our qualitative research project. I am really excited about it.  We are doing it on the use of music as a means of cohesion with the new masters students.  We are finding themes and I am realizing that I am definitely a qualitative researcher (as opposed to a quantitative one). 

 I rode my scooter today for the first time!  Thanks to another friend and his mad teaching skills, I can now turn corners!  Considering I had never been on any kind of motorized thing with two wheels, I am pretty proud.  It is NOT like a car or a bicycle.  I am excited about driving it next year.  Tonight is cooking food for the week and doing laundry...and reviewing educational dvd's for the class i am teaching this summer.  It is Human Sexuality, and they are basically educational sex tapes.  They are actually pretty interesting and educational.  Mom-"Hi Amanda, what are you up to?"   Me-"Oh, not much, watching a video for class."  Mom-"Oh, interesting, what is it on?"  A wee bit awkward. 

There is yet another halloween party at the previously mentioned bar that apparently is the third of the week and the most risque.  I have to pass, although I am sure pictures will be on facebook.  Living vicariously, which is basically what I do here. 

I am trying not to post info about where I am in the US or use names, but it is really hard to be a story teller without details!

Aren't tuesdays supposed to be my light day?

Today was stressful.  I spent 3 hours trying to watch a video that I am not even going to use to teach.  Such is the life of a teacher I guess.  But then, i get home to a package on my doorstep (since when does the university deliver packages to our door instead of making us go down to the mail room...i'm not complaining, just saying).  My day is instantly brighter.  It is a care package from a friend with cheese from her family dairy farm and homemade tomato jam.  Oh friend, thank you.  www.marcootjerseycreamery.com.  I am hoping tomorrow is better.  Crying, getting wonderful cheeses and nice cards, realizing I am not alone in my sadness here (thanks for the reminder CM), and talking to my best friend make me realize things are ok, and constantly changing.  Qualitative research, while not generalizable, makes me feel really connected on a human level (even if it does mean coding until 1 am).  I also have a bad ass scooter parked outside that is mine.   

Idaho

It has been a while since I posted, and I should be grading papers, reading, and really doing anything but being on this dang machine.

So here is an update to catch you up: I like Idaho. I miss home. I have a lot of homework. I will be a doctor in a year and a half (roughly) if I don't fuck this up. This makes me both excited and scared as hell. I curse a lot, if you don't like it, don't read my blog (I also apologize for the profanity, but it is, at this point in my life, one way I express myself.). I am a qualitative researcher. I process externally, if you can't handle it, maybe we shouldn't hang out. I miss my best friends. That said, I am making friends, and that is cool. I would like to make out with someone that gives me butterflies in my belly (don't we all, really?). I thought maybe I could get away with making out with no butterflies, but i have realized, i was wrong. Damn. I want to go see a good live show. I am pretty sure I am going through live music withdrawal. I bought a scooter. A friend and I are going to have a scooter gang of two. I have my plane tickets home. Before coming to Carbondale I am going to see a show (to deal with the withdrawal or maybe feed the addiction) in StL with my bf. It may be the best time ever. Please remind me to buy a take home container of bloody mary mix to bring back to Idaho with me. A friend made homemade bacon vodka that would be PERFECT as a cellar bloody mary (thank you erin). I have started eating meat on occasion again...but I am making a big effort to only buy meat that is a) local, and b) treated humanly. Idaho is helping me to become the person I want to be. It is funny how lose and change can be so hard but also really good for you. I am realizing out here that I have been an adult for a long time, and that doesn't mean I can't laugh really loud and often; wear clothes that don't always match; be political but not in-your-face about it; stand up for myself; ask for reciprocal relationships (and not bother with ones that are not); and make really big silly mistakes and own up to them. I pretty much love being this kind of adult.

I am going to try and be better about posting here. I know people have asked about how I am doing, and this is a great way to keep people in the know. I will be home in eight weeks minus one day. I have to study for comps when I am home (the biggest test I will ever take in my whole life), but I also plan on having an amazing time. Plan accordingly.