a wee rant

It bugs me that McDonald's has commercials with skinny people riding their bikes up fairly nice sized hills to get to McDonald's for breakfast.  I am pretty sure the girl in the eats Micky-D's once a year, if that. 

Also, how in the heck did we elect George Bush as our president for 8 years?  How does that shit come about?  I am still amazed and in horror about how that happened.  I wonder where we would be if John Kerry or Al Gore (who, I don't know if you remember, but actually did win) would have been our president.  I think things would still be pretty messed up, but not as bad.  I think about this argument, and realize that some of my best friends would disagree, but I also think we perceive "good" government as very different. 

Another thing, I don't get why right wingers want abortion and gay marriage to be illegal.  Last time I checked, most people on the far right say they want SMALLER big government.  So how do these two things mesh?  Smaller big government would mean less restriction on our rights, which means less laws on individuals, which means a) I can do whatever the heck I choose to do with my body and b) I can marry whoever I want.  As many problems as those on the right have with those on the left, this issue always perplexes me.  Especially when people VOTE pretty much strictly on those two issues. Ahh...the separation of church and state.  When the population of muslims (or jews, or wiccans, or atheists, or agnostics, etc) outnumbers the number of christians, church and state will be an interesting concept.  Enough of my rants...I have to get to work.  Hearing tests (being a test dummy for a friend) and dinner with friends.  Funness.

Ambivalent Friendships, WTF?

There is something about moving to a new place that is both scary and exhilarating as hell.  At times, I am pretty home sick...however, then there are the people that come into your life and you are amazed at how easily friendship happens.  Last year, when I moved, I had an instant, lifelong friend that just seemed to be waiting for me here.  How amazing.  This year, I had a lot of fear about what I was going to do since that friend had moved about as far away as possible.  But then, bam, there appeared my new friends.  It is pretty wonderful--although it is difficult to compare to friend soulmates.  It takes a little effort, you have to put yourself out there, but then, it is easy.  I often think people are so frightened by rejection they don't take chances.  As I write that, I realize I am a pretty big baby sometimes (in terms of a fear of rejection), but other times, it is easy.   What is it about rejection that we are so afraid of?

I have been thinking on how thankful I am for the people in my life right now.  It is possible this move could have made my life miserable, but once again, people and the relationships I have with them, have saved me.  The friends at home who call and text and send wonderful care packages and the friends here who check in, stay tuned, and show up.  I have been contemplating lately with the concept of being disliked...or maybe not even disliked, but others feeling ambivalent about our relationship.

In one of my last blogs I talked about the idea of reciprocal friendship...this is in part, what I was getting at.  I do have relationships that are not reciprocal, but I think I have enough that are reciprocal that make the few that are not, ok.  Yes, sometimes i am a caretaker, and i kinda like it.  It is the ones that are ambivalent (can I even call them relationships?) that I have issues with, and am working on cutting.  Maybe ambivalent relationships are not even relationships.  Duh Amanda.  I guess my current effort is to not work on relationships where others are ambivalent.  I realize that with ambivalent "relationships" I am the only one in them!  Why do we do this?  I think people do it in dating or with crushes all the time.  PEOPLE, we are too wonderful and have WAY too much to offer to spend our energy on people who are not interested in our personhood.  I am going to make this my mantra...I have been working on it.  Are you?

Anyhow, the point is, I am lucky.  I am lucky to have the friends that are far far away, because they are wonderful people.  I am lucky to have the friends close, and in many ways amazed at how we can get in where we fit in no matter where we are.  Sometimes it takes some time, but it happens if you let it.  Thanks buddies.

Halloween

This weekend was super fun for the most part.  I had a good time with friends on Halloween.  We had a department party then my friends had a party at there house then we went to another friend's bar.   I forget how much fun it is to dance!  In the process I also lost a devil horn.  It was found the next night though. 

I worked most of saturday on our qualitative research project. I am really excited about it.  We are doing it on the use of music as a means of cohesion with the new masters students.  We are finding themes and I am realizing that I am definitely a qualitative researcher (as opposed to a quantitative one). 

 I rode my scooter today for the first time!  Thanks to another friend and his mad teaching skills, I can now turn corners!  Considering I had never been on any kind of motorized thing with two wheels, I am pretty proud.  It is NOT like a car or a bicycle.  I am excited about driving it next year.  Tonight is cooking food for the week and doing laundry...and reviewing educational dvd's for the class i am teaching this summer.  It is Human Sexuality, and they are basically educational sex tapes.  They are actually pretty interesting and educational.  Mom-"Hi Amanda, what are you up to?"   Me-"Oh, not much, watching a video for class."  Mom-"Oh, interesting, what is it on?"  A wee bit awkward. 

There is yet another halloween party at the previously mentioned bar that apparently is the third of the week and the most risque.  I have to pass, although I am sure pictures will be on facebook.  Living vicariously, which is basically what I do here. 

I am trying not to post info about where I am in the US or use names, but it is really hard to be a story teller without details!

Aren't tuesdays supposed to be my light day?

Today was stressful.  I spent 3 hours trying to watch a video that I am not even going to use to teach.  Such is the life of a teacher I guess.  But then, i get home to a package on my doorstep (since when does the university deliver packages to our door instead of making us go down to the mail room...i'm not complaining, just saying).  My day is instantly brighter.  It is a care package from a friend with cheese from her family dairy farm and homemade tomato jam.  Oh friend, thank you.  www.marcootjerseycreamery.com.  I am hoping tomorrow is better.  Crying, getting wonderful cheeses and nice cards, realizing I am not alone in my sadness here (thanks for the reminder CM), and talking to my best friend make me realize things are ok, and constantly changing.  Qualitative research, while not generalizable, makes me feel really connected on a human level (even if it does mean coding until 1 am).  I also have a bad ass scooter parked outside that is mine.   

Idaho

It has been a while since I posted, and I should be grading papers, reading, and really doing anything but being on this dang machine.

So here is an update to catch you up: I like Idaho. I miss home. I have a lot of homework. I will be a doctor in a year and a half (roughly) if I don't fuck this up. This makes me both excited and scared as hell. I curse a lot, if you don't like it, don't read my blog (I also apologize for the profanity, but it is, at this point in my life, one way I express myself.). I am a qualitative researcher. I process externally, if you can't handle it, maybe we shouldn't hang out. I miss my best friends. That said, I am making friends, and that is cool. I would like to make out with someone that gives me butterflies in my belly (don't we all, really?). I thought maybe I could get away with making out with no butterflies, but i have realized, i was wrong. Damn. I want to go see a good live show. I am pretty sure I am going through live music withdrawal. I bought a scooter. A friend and I are going to have a scooter gang of two. I have my plane tickets home. Before coming to Carbondale I am going to see a show (to deal with the withdrawal or maybe feed the addiction) in StL with my bf. It may be the best time ever. Please remind me to buy a take home container of bloody mary mix to bring back to Idaho with me. A friend made homemade bacon vodka that would be PERFECT as a cellar bloody mary (thank you erin). I have started eating meat on occasion again...but I am making a big effort to only buy meat that is a) local, and b) treated humanly. Idaho is helping me to become the person I want to be. It is funny how lose and change can be so hard but also really good for you. I am realizing out here that I have been an adult for a long time, and that doesn't mean I can't laugh really loud and often; wear clothes that don't always match; be political but not in-your-face about it; stand up for myself; ask for reciprocal relationships (and not bother with ones that are not); and make really big silly mistakes and own up to them. I pretty much love being this kind of adult.

I am going to try and be better about posting here. I know people have asked about how I am doing, and this is a great way to keep people in the know. I will be home in eight weeks minus one day. I have to study for comps when I am home (the biggest test I will ever take in my whole life), but I also plan on having an amazing time. Plan accordingly.

i am an adult

So...i have been realizing this as of late. I am an adult. Shit. When did that happen? While I wasn't paying attention it seems. I have that horrible thing called facebook. I do a pretty good job of keeping those I wouldn't choose to spend time with off of it (there are a few exceptions, and it isn't that I wouldn't hang out with those people I don’t “know” on my facebook but we just never have, so that may make it awkward--ie: weird guy from high school that I gave a ride home to once 10 years ago but seemed pretty cool, just socially awkward---which it seems may be some of my favorite type of people). Anyhow, this has been a trigger to my realizing, in fact, I am getting older. Facebook lets you look at peoples photos and, as much as you can on the interweb, into their lives (as they want you to see it). I am just as guilty as the next for putting things on there that I should not share with the greater public, or, really, for that matter, my friends and family (who were not there for the boob joke that the picture inaccurately portrays). Anyhow, in looking at the pictures I realize we are all becoming adults. I am using the "we" so I don't single anyone out. Our metabolism is not as rad as it once was, we have babies, sometimes lots of them, we are married and divorced, and for some married again, we are perpetually single, we are chain smokers, we are successful, we are miserable, we are trying to still be in high school or college, we have moved away and come back and are planning on leaving again, we talk about "this place" like it is a plague and some of us have realized it may be the coolest place we have ever been. We are "hippies" turned corporate and rockers turned dads, or rockers that are still dads (which, in my mind, is pretty kick ass). We are all getting older. In some ways, I love it. I love that I can call my friend and we can commiserate about our “adult” day…about the crisis we both had at work, and successfully navigated as competent, knowing employees, when internally we were freaking out and hoping no one would call our bluff.

I bought a skate board at a yard sale. I am not sure what this means or why I mention it. It is something I have always wanted to learn to do but I don't know where, in fact, I am going to learn. Why am I embarrassed to "learn" to skateboard in public? It is way cooler than walking. Maybe I need to hire a 12 year old to teach me. I could cheat them out of 5 bucks and a DQ for their vast knowledge of all things skateboardy. They can laugh at my old ass trying to keep my balance on a small piece of wood with wheels.

I am moving to Idaho. Whoa. I am not sure if it has sunken in. I think maybe it has and I just realize that I am ready to go, so it isn't that much of a shock. It is going to be super sad. My love affair with Carbondale may be over soon. Or maybe I will come back to you, in a few years, when I have (another) epiphany of how great you actually are. If I am going to teach at SIU there are some things that need to change. I want my bosses job. She knows this. We have actually talked about it in a pretty honest way. She told me to get my PhD and come back (check and check). She will retire eventually. I could see myself coming back if it meant I get her job. I didn't run this morning. Instead I stayed up late last night and created a graduation invitation because I refuse to pay $83 for 25 invitations with the "official" SIU emblem. Besides, the invite I created says, “That's ‘master amanda’”. That is way cooler than any "official" SIU crap. Sidenote, thanks to Herff Jones and SIU's inability to have the appropriate stuff on the website, and telling me I had to pay $117 for my 25 invitations since they couldn't get their website to accurately portray what and where my ceremony would be. Yeah, thanks. I got to practice my "f you very much phone skills…twice"...then the woman told me she would pay HALF of the $60 "rush" fee I was going to have to pay to get them delivered in time to get them to my fam...by the way, $60 was more than the order I was going to make! Who wants to go to a graduation anyway? Really. I don't. Most of the time, you only care about one person, but you have to watch a bunch for people you could care less about walk through, wave, take pictures, blah, blah, blah. I was planning on leaving right after they said my name (rebel)…but I found out last night that my group is LAST. My mentor is going to be in Switzerland when I get my degree anyway—so I am not sure who is going to give me the fake “I am so glad for you” hug from the faculty. I mean, it won’t be fake, but they haven’t been invested really. It’s ok. I am not invested in them either. Ok, I got stuff to do. Also, I ate about a pound of chocolate while I wrote this. Thanks easter bunny (aka the catholic church).

a few things

a few things...I don't get people who post super personal stuff online. "Amanda is suddenly being thrust into the dating scene again." "Amanda should not have gotten shitfaced and made out with 8 men and 2 chicks when her husband wasn't in town." "Amanda is sad about the whole STI thing, but there is medicine she can take to clear it up." Haven't people seen those commercials with the girl who keeps trying to tear down the photo from the bulletin board but it keeps showing up to represent the internet!!! Obviously not. Or maybe it is our reality tv world that we live in. This world of bigger and better. Anything for the audiance. Where we are proud when we make asses of ourselves. But on the internet, it seems people feel as if they can share more info then they would becuase they have the "ananimity of the computer." I know I am guilty of it, but not the the extend of some. Myspace and Facebook stalking expose some crazy things.

Next issue. I think it is super funny when people wear beer shirts to the gym. I get it. They are the shirts they don't care about, but it still makes me laugh. "Milk is disgusting, drink beer" was the one I saw yesterday. Oh, there was also a dad running with his tween daughter who had a budwiser shirt on. Funny stuff. Also, it bugs me when people don't work out in their wedding bands to work out. Now, I should preface this by saying at times I am an irrational jealous person. I had a conversation this morning about how I could not be in a poligamist relationship due to my jealousy issues. Anyhow, I would get my spouse a cheep band to where when working out. I know what I think when I am at the rec and see a cute dude working out. I am sure others think that too. Anyhow, I have to get going. But this is what is on my minds. yep. Ok. Peace.